[chorus:]
           They were champions of the family
           Defending old-fashioned morality
           Parents to us all
           Up there on the screen

She and he were dating, but each was seeing others
They'd both slept around all over town, looking for dad and mother
When she got pregnant he felt trapped, felt she was ruining his world
But they got married and pretty soon they had a baby girl

He had two kids from his first marriage named Maureen and Mike
Their new mom acted nice at first but later showed her dislike
She did her best to keep them both outside the family
Soon all either of them wanted was middle-class normality

They both kept trying for years and years to win their father's praise
But more and more their dear old dad seemed lost in a daze
He treated them kindly when they could get his attention
But it seemed his wife just didn't want their names mentioned

Maureen went into the all same businesses as her dad
And she should have gone far with all the strengths that she had
She seemed tougher than him and maybe twice as smart
But step-mom's friends pulled the strings so she'd never get past the start

           [chorus]

Dad was kind from time to time, and so little Mike kept hoping
He needed a dad so bad that he was wide open
For a pedophile in a summer camp, a lonely boy is like gold
Michael didn't recover until he was forty years old

While dad made millions, Michael loaded boxes into trucks
But when he met his second wife he soon had better luck
He set a record in a speedboat racing up the Mississippi
But until he found a good shrink, nothing made him happy

           [chorus]

From birth her mom though Patti was rebellious and no good
So of course she used tough measures to make her do what she should
She'd sock the girl in the face to control how she would act
And in the end she made the things she feared become a fact

Patti moved in with a rock star and wrote one of his songs
Though mom always said marriage is the only place where sex belongs
Patti rejected everything her mom and dad believed in
But she found that telling the truth was the ultimate sin

She didn't even know how much her mother was lying
In mom's youth she had so many men that to count them aint worth trying
She'd gone to Hollywood and slept with men who got her parts
She was better known for giving head than for dramatic arts

          [chorus]

Mommy smothered Ron and tried to turn him into a drone
The neighbors heard him shout "I just want to be left alone"
He questioned everything his parents never wanted him to
But in the end he stayed with what they thought was loyal and true

When he became a dancer, his parents found it a drag
His dad thought any guy who did that was probably a fag
Though they'd once caught him in their own bed with another man's wife
Even after he was married, some said he led another life

           [chorus]

All four of them at some point dropped out of school
Only Ron seemed okay as a kid -- the others found life cruel
Patti popped pills just like her mom, who thought kids should Just Say No
Maureen married a man who beat her; took a year to get up and go

Maureen fell for older men, lived with one from her dad's day
Ron went for older women -- as for men I couldn't say
Michael went to whores and bars, thought that was all that he was worth
Patti told the doctor to make sure she'd never give birth

They won't have grandchildren to carry on any of their genes
The protectors of the family were parents only on screen
They know all the right words but don't understand what they mean
The champions of the family were parents only on screen

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